Colbert Blames USPS’ Bad Business Model on Ben Franklin

Nobody puts it quite like Stephen Colbert.  Needless to say, his take on the USPS financial crisis is quite unique.  He devoted at least half of his show to the topic.  Enjoy his commentary below or read on for the best highlights:

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
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USPS Highlights from the Colbert Report:

“If it’s really first-class mail, why doesn’t my letter get a complimentary cocktail and a hot towel?”

“That’s right. The survival of the post office depends on swift Congressional action. Kisses and waves… Goodbye!”

“Remember, Ben Franklin was the first Postmaster General. So clearly, the whole idea is the mad ramblings of a syphilitic brain. [Colbert impersonating Ben Franklin:]  ‘I know, I’ll glue a pretty little picture on the upper right hand of an envelope. I’ll drop it in a box and two days later it will appear in another box magically across the country. Then I shall fly a kite in a thunderstorm.’” (Watch the video to see Colbert’s final punch line.)

“What kind of business model is the Forever stamp? That’s like Chili’s with their bottomless Coke. By the way, I’ll be back tonight, Chili’s. Daddy’s still thirsty.”

“We do not even need the post office any more, right? Blackberrys are way better. You can’t play BrickBreaker on an envelope… And if grandma wants to send you five dollars, she can FedEx it. Although you might want to send her the five dollars back so she can cover the FedEx $15 minimum.”

Wanna support the USPS? Buy postage stamps featuring Stephen Colbert right on the stamp.

-Sari McConnell at


About Sari McConnell

Sari oversees strategic partnership opportunities and heads up Conformer’s San Francisco office. Sari was formerly the managing director of a venture-backed music and multimedia agency in San Francisco and New York. She began her career in brand management at Hallmark Cards, Clorox, and LeapFrog. Sari is an appointed member of the Bay Area Regional Council of Northwestern University and is an active volunteer at her children’s schools. She received her MBA from the Kellogg School of Management and her B.A. from Northwestern University as well.
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